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User blog:NightFalcon9004/Chuck Norris facts
So, it's Chuck Norris' birthday and all, so I want to make the longest list of Chuck Norris facts the world has ever seen. Rap music was invented when Chuck Norris' heart started beating. (Without it, there would be no ERB) Chuck Norris doesn't battle, he just allows you to lose. Chuck Norris spread more blood and gore than forty score of our civil wars. (BITCH) Chuck Norris split the Union with a roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris wears a black belt on the beard that he grows on his dick. Sharks are attacked when Chuck Norris smells them bleed. Chuck Norris doesn't go swimming, water just wants to be around him. The only thing faster than the speed of light is Chuck Norris' fists. Abe Lincoln may have freed the slaves, but Chuck Norris is everyone's master. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cried. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was supposed to die 10 years ago. Death just doesn't have the courage to tell him. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his living room. The bear isn't dead, it's just too afraid to get up. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse. Its descendants today are known as giraffes. Chuck Norris could beat Super Mario Bros without using the jump button. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as the Islands. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. Chuck Norris counted to infinity--twice. Chuck Norris has a nightlight. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he wins fair and square. Jesus, the Pope, and Chuck Norris were walking on water one day. The Pope, after a while, slowly sunk and was drowned. Jesus asked Chuck Norris "Do you think we should've told him about the rocks?" Chuck Norris replied "What rocks?" Some people think they're tough by saying they eat fear for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats fear as a midday snack. Chuck Norris once urinated on a truck as a prank. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime. Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Achilles, back in the time of the ancient Greeks. As a kid, Chuck Norris used to be bullied in school. Used to. It is possible to live in black holes, Chuck Norris has summer homes in 3 of them. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Once, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a revolving door, creating a vortex that sucked in everything within a 50 mile radius. Except Chuck. Chuck Norris is the reason that Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris does not wear condoms, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called logic. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives. Superman and Chuck Norris once had a bet. The loser had to wear his underpants on the outside for the rest of his life. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter. Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to win. Before the movie Alien vs. Predator was made, it was first called Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into production. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together. A snake once bit Chuck Norris in the leg. After three long days of excruciating pain, the snake died. Chuck Norris was once pulled over by a cop. The cop was lucky to leave without a warning. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the Doctor. Lesson: NEVER slap Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can remember the future. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky. Chuck Norris uses beer as mouthwash. Chuck Norris can play every instrument...at once. Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a circular room. Chuck Norris sent an e-mail through Postal Service. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg. Most people have 23 chromosomes. Chuck has 75. All of 'em are poisonous. Chuck Norris is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a normal human being experiences the following syndromes: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, inability to wear a hat, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Chuck Norris beat QWOP with only the Q key. Chuck Norris doesn't make threats. He makes promises. U2 still sings "I Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" because Chuck Norris has hidden it. No matter how fast you run, Chuck Norris will walk faster. Chuck Norris is the life of parties he doesn't attend. When Chuck Norris plays Scrabble, FDJGA IS a real word. Chuck Norris can text on a walkie-talkie. Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. Area 51 is where Chuck Norris stores his lawn mower. Chuck Norris once threw a perfect game before stepping onto the mound. Chuck Norris once won a NASCAR Race with a Hot Wheels toy car. Chuck Norris climbed Mountain Dew. Chuck Norris got pissed off with all the noise so he kicked WWIII out of history. Chuck Norris is the 51st State. Have you ever wondered why a meteorite hasn't struck us and killed us? Chuck Norris says, "You're welcome." Chuck Norris can eat peanut butter with a straw. Cloverfield was just Chuck Norris in a Halloween costume. Once visiting Arizona, Chuck Norris spit on the ground. This place is now known as Meteor Crater. When Columbus discovered the New World, he was deported back to Spain by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can win Tic-Tac-Toe with one 'X' and a stare. Chuck Norris once went to use Internet Explorer. Frustrated at its speed, he roundhouse kicked it. The result was Google Chrome. Version 13.0. Chuck Norris can use a rockslide as a shower. Chuck Norris caught a Shiny Missingno in Mario Kart using a Hadouken. Chuck Norris sees nothing when he looks in the mirror. There is only one Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris cuts an onion, he makes the onion cry. Chuck Norris can beat you at arm wrestling with both hands tied behind his back. Chuck Norris's dog has to clean up after himself because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anyone. Some magicians can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land. Chuck Norris can unlock padlocks with a beach ball. Chuck Norris can double jump. Pangaea split because Chuck Norris jumped. Tornadoes are just aftereffects of Chuck Norris waving. Chuck Norris can sleep backwards. Chuck Norris can give the exact value of pi. Chuck Norris put out the fire of London with his licked fingers. Printers always work with Chuck Norris. Nothing can penetrate Chuck Norris' beard except from Chuck Norris. God prays to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can sing every song ever created ever in 3 seconds. Chuck Norris once thew a grenade and killed 50 people...then the grenade exploded. Chuck Norris never had a heart attack. His heart isn't foolish enough to attack him. Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't pushing himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal sad. Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories. Kings bow down to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris' business card says, "I'll call you." You think this Chuck Testa is real? Nope, just Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris's computer password contains letters, numbers, symbols, Chinese characters, old runes, doodles, scribbles, sign language, algebra, braille, ASCII art, binary, squirrel noises and blood tests. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane by aiming his finger and yelling "Bang!" Chuck Norris once pooped on a frog. This frog is now known as Yoda. Chuck Norris has Jesus on speed dial. Chuck Norris once touched a light bulb. Thus, nuclear energy was born. The Great Wall of China was built to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a planet so hard that it burst into flames. We now know this planet as the sun. Chuck Norris donates blood to the Red Cross daily. Just never his own. Chuck Norris can beat a statue at a staring contest. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a Gamecube so hard that it turned into a Gameboy. In the last page of the Guiness World Records, it is written in fine print that all world records are won by Chuck Norris and everyone in the book is the closest they have gotten to breaking it. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. The Black Eyed Peas used to be called The Peas until they met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once went to the Bermuda Triangle. The Bermuda Triangle went missing a day later. Chuck Norris gives wood splinters. If you misspell Chuck Norris on Google, it won't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It will say, "Run while you still can." Stonehenge was Chuck Norris' building blocks when he was a kid. Chuck Norris wakes up his alarm clock in the morning. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. Chuck Norris puts out fires with gasoline. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep. Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. Chuck Norris is physically unable to be physically unable. Chuck Norris can hear sign language. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris doesn't flush toilets. He scares the shit out of it. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in Mission: Impossible, but he wasn't allowed, for obvious reasons. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He goes outside on his lawn and dares the grass to grow. When Jesus died on the cross, Chuck Norris watched. The Virgin Mary became pregnant because Chuck Norris put his hand on her shoulder. Chuck Norris did have his own religion, but he is already God... Chuck Norris once ripped the hair off of a zombie's head, this zombie is now known as Gollum. On ERB.com, Abe Lincoln is the current winner of ERB 3 by 53%. The 47% who voted for Chuck Norris is who he allowed to live. Add more to this list so we can have the largest Chuck Norris facts list of all time!!! :D Category:Blog posts